Welcome to the world of the worst kids’ TV. Chances are, however much you thought you’d deny your child the pleasure of watching telly from a young age for their own good, you’ll have encountered some degree of despair when it comes to the endless hours of toddler time to fill, and thrown that good intention aside by now.
There are some really great kids’ TV shows out there, made slightly less so by the number of times the kids insist on watching them, but then yes, there are some real clangers – excuse the pun. Here are some highs and lows.
Postman Pat
As a child, I was a huge fan of Postman Pat, and of course, grew up with the original stop motion series in the 80s. I have lots of fond memories of that kids’ TV programme, but come on folks, let’s get real… When are we going to face facts?
Postman Pat is a man of true incompetence. He never gets his ‘mission accomplished’ without deserving serious disciplinary action or a sacking – and we’re talking EVERY episode. His loyal customers end up in tears, packages are always late, usually damaged and often opened and used personally, with abandon, by Pat and half the villagers along the way. He’s forever chartering helicopters and boats to help correct his own foolish mistakes which will no doubt be costing the taxpayers millions.
Despite this abomination of a service, Pat is always self-congratulatory at the end of it. Bonkers! I mean, what sort of message is this sending our kids on work ethic? The man’s an idiot!
Reminds me of our current Prime Minister. Although Postman Pat got the sack in 2003.
Bing
“My top tip for watching Bing, is don’t watch Bing.” That’s what they’re saying on Reddit, anyway. The worst show on kids’ TV. They’re not wrong. Bing just wants to ruin everybody’s day.
It’s fair to say, whatever he is, Flop is beyond laid-back when it comes to parenting. Bing can damage phones, chase cats and go on casual killing sprees, and all Flop’s response is “It’s no big thing.” Tell that to his victims, Flop!
I can’t help but think Bing is a psychopath in waiting after he killed that butterfly. “Bing! You squished it!” Yes, you did Bing. Who’s next? Flop? And who, or what is Flop, anyway? Some say he’s an alien child snatcher, while others guess a more sentient tea towel.
And where ARE all the adults? Why are the cars so big the drivers can’t see over them? Why is Bing’s house adult sized? And why is the pesky panda always wandering around in public in his pants? Answers on a postcard, please.
Biggleton
“Bing is at least entertaining you as you seethe on the sofa wondering what the f**k is wrong with that rabbit. Biggleton is just rubbish.” – Agreed. Another gem from Reddit.
If you’re up for listening to Eamonn Holmes singing while kids throw cardboard boxes around the place, then this is the show for you. I’ve never been a fan of GMTV or This Morning, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to feeling quite bereft when series 2 of Biggleton arrived and to my dismay, I discovered they’d replaced old Eams with a sound-a-like bloke. Utter bastards. Is nothing sacrosanct anymore?
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Baby Jake
“We all love baby Jake.” This is the most inaccurate statement in history. Nobody likes Baby Jake. Not even my best mate’s Dad, Steve who told me he did once. He was lying. I’m obviously going to take umbrage at just how fertile Baby Jake’s parents are in the first place, having birthed around 24 children and counting. You’ll excuse me if I immediately find myself on the offence with this one.
The series isn’t a new one, and to be honest, I’m not even sure if it’s still available to watch, but since 2012, Dads have been busy secretly tweeting the same old question: “Is Ava legal yet?”
Ava is Baby Jake’s oldest sister. Good news, she must be about 30 now, lads. Thinking about it, Baby Jake must be embracing his teenage years now, probably propping up a bar and indulging in some underage drinking as I type. Oh, how time flies when you’re watching rubbish kids’ TV.
Oh, and don’t get me started on the songs. You’d be forgiven for thinking they were singing in Welsh.
Moon and Me
I’ve always thought it weird that bedtime hour on CBeebies kicks in at about half five in the afternoon. It’s not bedtime yet. I know it, you know it, the kids know it. We’re not winding down for bedtime before six o’clock in the evening, oh no. My kids are still fighting each other to the death or trying to nick chocolate from the fridge.
So as bad kids’ TV shows go, Moon and Me is only up there because it occasionally creeps into their TV time while they’re finishing up their meatballs or heading upstairs for a bath. Nobody’s actually sat down and watched it. Between picking up spaghetti off the floor and doing the dishes all I’ve managed to deduce is that the plot involves a sinister-looking clown and someone else who bangs on about onions. Alexa, OFF.
Tee and Mo
Tee and Mo: “They sometimes want to do different things!” Change ‘sometimes’ to ‘all the time’ and you’ve got the measure of Mo. A reluctant parent, she literally cannot be arsed with her child.
As kids’ TV show theme tunes go, this one has to be up there as one of the most annoying. Beware, it will get stuck in your head for days, possibly weeks. Legit, it’s even been the soundtrack to my dreams.
In The Night Garden
Considering In The Night Garden stopped production around 12 years ago, long before my kids were born, we sure are subjected to a lot of it. Despite that fact, I’ll admit I haven’t got a clue as to what’s going on, so I’m not sure how toddlers are supposed to get their heads around it.
I remember my daughter watching it once, and bursting into tears at the end when that blue thing sails off into a sea of black in the pitch dark in what appears to be a really unreliable method of transport. Aged 2, even she was smart enough to know that he was sailing off to meet a watery grave.
Justin’s House
Okay, so strangely, and it is a bit leftfield even for me, but over the years, I’ve found I quite fancy Robot the Robot so Justin’s House gets a pass from me. Anybody else got these feels?
And do you ever watch and wonder if Justin and Steve Kynman are pals in real life? I can’t imagine Justin enjoying a pint in his local… I wonder what he does in his spare time?
I also find myself worrying about what happened to Mac. Anybody know? All of a sudden, she was not back, she was gone. Did I miss her last episode? Or did Robot go rogue and bury her alive underneath Justin’s House? Oh, and who knew Madge from Neighbours played Auntie Justina? Mind. Blown.
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Something Special
It’s never on in the mornings or the evenings, so I’m thankful this isn’t one I have to watch very often, because, let’s face it, it’s absolutely knackering, but they’ve done at least one really decent episode, and that’s Series 11, Episode 10: Dinosaurs. Bookmark that one.
I’m always baffled as to how kids don’t seem to realise Justin Fletcher IS Mr Tumble. What’s up with that? All he does is paint his nose red and put on some yellow trousers. He’s got the same epic powers of disguise over kids as Superman and Clark Kent have over the population of the entire world. Justin Fletcher is catnip to kids.
Thomas and Friends
Journey back, if you will, to 1984-86 when Ringo Starr narrated Thomas The Tank Engine and all was well with the Island of Sodor. Fast-forward to today, and the only version of the show I’m seeing on TV is completely unrecognisable. Thomas has left the Island of Sodor behind (sod-you Sodor), and is now chugging about far-flung corners of the world rocking an American accent with a whole bunch of new really useful mates. Fairweather friend or what?
Seriously though, updating the show to address the issues of sexism, racism and classism is great, and I’m guessing the American version we’re seeing might be because it’s on Netflix, but aside from all that… Why oh why did they have to tamper with the original theme tune? I was aghast to hear it change to that annoyingly catchy song “They're two, they're four, they're six, they're eight…” etc, etc. But now it’s now morphed into something completely unidentifiable, and yes, we’re all angry.
A side note - I also don’t understand why anybody bothered to make Chuggington? Same show different name? What a waste of cash. Why don’t they bring back Chock-A-Block instead? Best toddler TV show, EVER.
