Dear Husband, I'm Still Meby Amie MacKay
I’m sorry that for the last three and a bit years you’ve been slightly neglected.
I’m sorry that from the day our daughter was born you were no longer my number one priority and that your needs became a secondary priority to me. I promise you that you are still one of my top priorities it’s just that you no longer sit at the top of that list anymore.
I know you can get tired and fed up of my moaning about not wanting to do anything because I’m exhausted, too sore or I’m already sleeping when you snuggle into bed beside me. Trust me I wish I had the energy I had when we first met, before my fibromyalgia hit me like a tonne of bricks before motherhood took over my life along with the washing and housework. I know you have needs, wants and dreams and I want to be the one you lean on and continue to share your dreams with. I’ll be here listening and supporting you all the way. I promise. Just let me squeeze in a snooze and that last load of laundry….
I know that there are some days that we don’t even get so much as a conversation with each other and other days it feels like we’re fighting against each other instead of working together, sometimes the days turn into weeks, because we’re parents and for some crazy reason time seems to have gotten so fast since becoming parents, the hours feel like minutes and we forget about “us”.
The problem is me, well my life. My brain and my body work so hard every day in being mummy, I put every ounce of me, into being the best mummy I possibly can be, a mummy to a little girl who is half me and half of you and even when she’s sound asleep and we’re snuggled on the sofa watching the tv my brain is still working overtime in mummy mode. I’m listening for that little voice to shout on me, I’m thinking about tomorrow, I’m thinking about if I did today right, I’m thinking about the mistakes I made, I’m thinking about if I remembered to dry your work clothes, I’m thinking about what our life will be like in ten years time. Will I still be this exhausted?, I’m thinking about our finances, I’m thinking about the food shop, our next holiday. It goes on and on and I just can’t switch it off. I can’t switch off being a mum, It’s just who I am now and as amazing as it is, it’s also so very exhausting.
Now listen, I don’t want you thinking that you’re not as important to me as you once were all those years ago, you couldn’t be further from the truth. The reality is I couldn’t live without you and I wouldn’t want to either. When you come home from work, unfortunately for you, more often than not, you get the worst version of me. The tired, fed up and grumpy version of me. What a lucky man you are! This is because I give our little girl my best all day every day and the truth is there are some days I can’t even manage to give her the best version. I can’t worry about you, Little Miss H, my family, your family, the pets and me. Who do you think gets ignored from that list? A little clue for you, it’s not you, it’s not Little Miss H, or our families or pets. When I’m moaning that I’m exhausted and sore, it’s because I’ve not been looking after me. I’m my very last priority. Now I know that’s my fault and I need to change that. It may seem like it but I’m not complaining, really I’m not I’m just explaining that something has to change because regardless of how my mummy brain works, no one person can do it all, regardless how hard I try and as much as I hate to admit it. I’m not Superwoman!
I worry that you work too hard, I worry that you’ll have an accident at work and how would we live, I worry about what germs Little Miss H will have picked up from nursery this week. I worry my fibromyalgia will flare and throw off the whole week and the house will become chaos. I add these things to my never-ending list of things that go round and round my head whilst I try and sleep. My mummy brain just doesn’t have an off switch. Just so you know none of this is your fault, I’m not blaming or wanting to change you.
You do so much for our little family, you work so hard, harder than anyone I know, I love you more every time I see you making quality time for our daughter. There is a reason she cries every morning when you leave. You fill her life with so much love and happiness and it hurts slightly that somedays she’d rather be with you than me. I live for your Sunday mornings together at the park. I try all week to create memories with her and her favourite is her Sunday morning at the park with her Daddy.
The truth is I’m not the woman you met nine years ago. I have changed and so have you. We’ve grown together. I’ve grown into a wife, mother, best friend, queen of organisation of all things, shopper, overthinker, a maid who’s house ironically never stays clean for longer than five minutes and let’s not forget I’m the nurse who’s on duty all day and everynight. Do you know what? I wouldn’t change any of it. I don’t want another life. This is our life that we created, together. You and Me. I love you and I love our life. But I’m no longer the person I once was because I am a mother and it’s now all of me. So thank you for sharing this journey with me, for loving me at my worst and for being my partner in this crazy life that we created.
Love you always,
Your Very Tired Wife.