Will I Ever Get My Pre-Pregnancy Vagina Back?


Ladies…(and the gents who are here purely for the word ‘vagina’ in the post title – read on, there might be a photo later*)

If there is one thing I can advise you to do before you have kids, it is this: Take a photo of your hoohaa.

Yes, you read that right. Take a photo… take a million photos! Use the flash, try a few different angles, send some to your other half if you really want to…and then file those babies away under “memories I will weep over” and keep everything crossed. Literally, if you want those images to be true to life for a little while longer.

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One day, you will get that handheld mirror out and you won’t be able to remember how things used to be…and you’ll be glad of those photos.

Bounce on bouncy castles. Jump on trampolines. Wear that thong and brazilian wax that baby to high heaven – she’s got you. You and your ‘yet to grow a real-life human’ body and super strong pelvic floor…(please excuse me for a moment whilst I cry in the corner)…

Even if you don’t plan on pushing something the size of a watermelon through the smallest fairy door (past tense)…THINGS HAPPEN to your nether regions during pregnancy. Parts swell up with the increased blood flow. Put it this way: One day you’ll be happily oblivious to the lettuce leaves, and the next you’ll sit down only to discover they resemble a cactus leaf….and not just because you missed your bikini wax, or haven’t been able to reach down there with a razor since the 2nd trimester. It's not forever, but it might have some lasting effect, right?!?

Then there are the stretch marks – you won’t find out about these until after the birth, mainly because you won’t be able to see past your belly button, but if you grow big babies and carry them low, it’s not just your tummy that stretches. Oh no.

How about the pelvic floor? You can’t see it, but you know its there…like a supportive hammock holding up the entirety of your body parts between navel and knees (sort of). Imagine a little teeny, tiny hammock made for rocking a small (often emptied) water balloon….then all of a sudden you’ve got 8lbs of sugar on there as well…swinging high becomes swinging low. (Kegal the shit out of life from now on girls, I promise it helps).

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Basically my fellow females, babies can ruin your bits. ESPECIALLY if you push a big one out (I’ve talked before about that well-known song ‘when two become one’ penned - I am sure - with my vaganus in mind) THANK GOD for dissolvable stitches…turns out a perineum is NOT considered an important part of the anatomy by your baby’s head. GOD they are worth it though aren’t they? I mean they really are. If you really, really want a baby and it’s not happening for you – you’d probably give your right arm for the chance. A bit of vaginal damage is a small price to pay in the grand scheme of things, BUT, it does not mean we can’t have a good old moan about it.

When all is said and done, I’m quite lucky – it still WORKS…I’d just like to have the old one back. I’d quite like my old abdomen back too whilst I’m making a list…and my 8 hours sleep a night…but look what I got instead…ahhhh…

Whilst we’re here if you’re looking for some info on how to prevent teenage pregnancies, or just pregnancy in general, just send them a link to this post…or even this one about all of the things I was never told about pregnancy and motherhood. Watch them run for the hills (whilst they still can without a: wetting themselves, b: their insides falling out of their abdominal wall). Toodles! See you girls in ten years time when you’ve built up a backlog of nudes.

*Obviously there’s no photo. Filthy animal.

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