Sh*t You Just Don't Need For Your Child

by Abigail Stanley

We've all seen the posts advertising baby gear and you get more and more when you do become pregnant thanks to tailored advertising. We get fed this even in waiting rooms at the hospital stuff you NEED if you're going to become a good mother.

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Instagram mums have all the latest gadgets and gizmos and at face value have the happiest babies with no colic, no feeding issues, they don't cry or even breathe real oxygen so it seems and it makes you feel like you need this stuff.

1. I recently saw an advert for a changing mat with lamp embedded into it for night changes. WHY?! Do you not have eyes? Have you not been eating your carrots? Have you not got a light fitting in your room? Buy a bastard lamp for the love of God!

2. Sleeping pillows. So you want to go against all safe sleep and lullaby trust guidelines for what? Your baby sleeps an hour longer? Maybe two? You signed up to this shit, sleepless nights are a given. They come with the shitty nappy package. And these Dick Turpin manufacturers will charge you up to £130 for this pillow. It's a pillow! Your baby won't be comfy it's just been evicted from the comfiest place in the world to them. But they will get used to it. Have patience.

3. Wipe warmers. Just what even? Imagine shitting your pants and using a warm wipe to clean yourself. A wipe that's probably dried out because of evaporation. No.

4. Baby timer apps. Again imagine being exhausted (I'm sure this won't be hard) and being woken up in the middle of your sleep to have a bottle or a tit shoved in your mouth that you didn't actually want right then. All because Gina fucking Ford says you can't sleep more than four hours without food.

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5. Diaper genies. I actually got these before having my first baby. All that ended up happening was I had two bags of shit in my living room for weeks before they got full enough to be emptied. Think flies. That's all.

6. Pee teepee. Literally a little cone to put on your baby boys willy whilst you change his nappy so he doesn't pee on you. If you're not covered in piss at changing times you're doing it wrong.

7.  Changing table. If you need the chest of drawers anyway then by all means get one. But if you're literally buying a table to change your baby you need to reconsider your life decisions. What's wrong with the floor?

8. Snowsuits. When are you ever going to take your newborn out in the snow? Blankets and coats are the way to go.

9. Personalised clothing. Why? In case you pick up the wrong baby at play group. Ah no shit this baby says Mercedes on it I'm looking for McKenzie! Waste of money!

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10. Nappy stacker. Literally an item to hold your nappies in a stack. You know, like the bag they already come in.

11. Nursing covers. I've had one of these. My baby is sat screaming while I figure out a double knot one handed behind my neck to tie it in place. Then it keeps getting caught in between my breast and baby's mouth and baby keeps pulling it off. It's just horrendous. Use a muslin cloth instead.

12. Baby hairbrush. Have you given birth to Rapunzel? If not, stop.

13. Pram for jogging. Leave this post you don't belong here


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Written by

Abigail Stanley

Blogger
Hi mums, I'm Abbey and I am 26. I am currently on maternity leave after having my second child. I'm very straight talking and have a lot of varied experiences parenting two children. I'm here to tell you the myth about if you have a bad birth your baby will be a good baby is just a myth, both of mine were bad! But there is light at the end of the tunnel, my little boy can finally express how he is feeling through words and actions and most of those words are muffled through his bedroom door he's just slammed in my face, so it's all good.

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