How Do I Come To Terms With Not Having Another Baby?


I’ve been busy getting IVF match fit for baby number three, in the event that my husband at some point would agree to move ahead with a frozen cycle, but in all honestly, I can’t see that happening as things stand at this point.

It’s now almost New Year, and since my match fit blog, I’ve been quietly taking the folate, and I’ve left the topic pretty much alone, aside from one or two hints and jokes along the way in the hope that he would suddenly be on board. I’m almost too scared to broach it again seriously in case his answer is still a resounding ‘no’. Because what if that’s his final answer? I’m not sure how I’ll cope with that.

I just keep hoping from day to day that he’ll come around, and suddenly realise how short life is, that they don’t stay little for long. Life to me is about family and friends, why wouldn’t I want a bigger one?

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It’s weird as I can see the kids from a thirty party viewpoint – when they play up I cringe and will them to behave better because it feels like more ammunition for the ‘against’ camp. But when Billy’s doing something mega cute and new, or Maddie masters yet another new skill, I enjoy watching Jamie marvel over them both, and I can’t help but feel a sudden surge of hope.

I’m 40 in May, and although our embryos are on ice, and my age a little less important, I’m still FORTY in May. FOR-TY. How did I get here so quickly?

Time is ticking and the door will soon start to close forever. If it were up to me, I’d be at the clinic right now moving forward with a cycle.

I’m not really sure who should get the deciding vote. I think if it came down to it, and I insisted, he would probably have to let me move forward, right? But I couldn’t put that sort of pressure on him. I don’t think it’s fair if that's not what he wants in his heart. I wouldn't do that to him, and I couldn't embark on a cycle without his full support. 

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I’m just not sure how I’m going to come to terms with not giving our embryos a go, and when that process is about to start. Does he think I’ll just forget and the whole situation will go away as we cruise happily towards middle age? It’s already starting to feel like a bereavement.

The ‘it’s not meant to be’ logic doesn’t really cut the mustard. We’ve had two children by IVF/ICSI FFS! Perhaps if that’s the case, I shouldn’t have had the first two!

I know how lucky I am, and it ALWAYS goes without saying that I know. Sometimes I feel as though people who have struggled TTC and won, are meant to ‘be thankful’, in that they shouldn’t dare to wish for more. Well, "ordinary people" that have babies “the normal way” are allowed to want more. So why can’t we?

At least if we tried – and failed, I could be at peace with our journey. 
Right now, it just doesn’t feel as though it’s over. But maybe if I’m honest with myself, it already is.

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